Q. “My son’s father left us five years ago. Since then, I have remarried to a lovely man. David, my husband, has tried hard to make friends with Nathan, and left all the disciplining to me. Yet, though we have been married three years, my son still refuses to do anything that my husband asks. How do I get him to listen to his step father?”

A. Although it is problems between you and your ex that have caused the rift, children often feel that they are in some way to blame for their parents’ separation. Nathan no doubt feels that Dad left him, rather than you! This will be especially true if Dad’s visits are rare or erratic. As a result he feels guilty, angry, and abandoned. He may also worry that you may be the next to leave him.

Nathan is carrying all this around plus the fact that you married another man. This makes it evident to him that his parents won’t be re-uniting. Also another man is taking away the special attention he was getting when you were a single mom. He has a lot on his plate and it makes sense that he will have trouble coping.

Perhaps Nathan got on really well with David before you married. At that stage, he was just Mum’s boyfriend. Then, he was fun to have around, and never tried to act bossy. Now he is living in the house like he owns it.

Becoming a parental figure after being a visitor can be problematic. The main thing for you to do is be completely honest and open. Take the time to sit down and talk with him on a regular basis. Sometimes you and Nathan should talk alone, and then Nathan and David should talk. At other times, all three of you should converse. Be sure to invite any other children you may have into these discussions.

Let Nathan know that you are aware of his resentments, and confusion, and anger. Reassure him that David will never take his dad’s place. It’s perfectly normal for Nathan to love and miss his dad, even though you don’t. Just be matter-of-fact about why you divorced and don’t drag the kids into any parental battles.

Make it clear, also, that David is here because you love him and want him in the family. This does not mean that you love Nathan any less. Also, for Nathan to like David does not mean that he is being disloyal to Dad.

You have to tell Nathan that David does have parental authority over him now. Whatever he asks him to do, he must do it. Don’t let Nathan come to you and try to discount anything David requires from him. If you don’t like something David is doing, take it up with him privately. In public you have to back him up. Nathan has to be aware that you and David are a couple now and stand together in family decisions.